How to get over family money problems in childhood causing issues as an adult

How our parents’ money issues affect us growing up

When we are children, sometimes we face experiences that we are not yet mature enough to handle. We don't have the power, skills or resources to resolve the issue and we may not have the perspective to understand that it's not our responsibility. This can be frightening, confusing, upsetting and frustrating. As children, we cope however we can with the issue and the feelings that come with it.

For example, we might:

• distract ourselves and others with jokes and games 

• hide and wait for it to be over

• become aggressive and try to force others to do what we want

• be extra nice and accommodating, so authorities will approve of us and protect us

• or become fixated on trying to anticipate every possible problem and control what we can control perfectly, so there are no nasty surprises

These are all understandable strategies for a child to take when faced with an adult-sized problem.

Unfortunately, once we have learned a coping strategy, it can become our automatic response for similar situations, even in adulthood. In essence, when we are faced with an issue that reminds us of being young, overwhelmed and helpless, it's like we become that child again without even realising it! We respond like we did when we were little, before our adult minds ever get a chance to come up with a better solution.

Because these childlike responses rarely work out well for us as adults, we can end up feeling even more powerless and upset and even less capable of dealing with that aspect of life. The most challenging part is that it all happens so quickly, we don't even recognise that this is what's happening!

When the issue in question involves money, this can cause a lot of trouble. We need a calm, adult mindset when dealing with questions of money, not an overwhelmed childlike one.

Examples

If you heard your parents fighting because one of them went out with friends when the other one thought they couldn’t afford it, you might try not to spend anything on yourself at all, so no one can criticise you for it. You could end up thrifty, but joyless.

Or if your dad lost his savings to a scammer, you might just spend everything you get, because deep down you don’t trust that saving could pay off. Of course, this leaves you unprepared for emergencies and at risk of problem debt.

Or if your aunts and uncles were richer than your mum and rubbed her nose in it, you might become driven by money and the status it can buy. You could become wealthy but end up burned out and doing work you hate.

Thankfully there is a way forward. 

The solution

If you can imagine yourself as you were when you learned this lesson about money, you can connect to the childlike part of yourself that keeps rushing to the rescue with a strategy that no longer works. Once you can do that, you can gently persuade them to let your adult self take over and try another way.

This takes compassion and an understanding that your younger self isn’t trying to mess things up. Your younger self isn’t stupid or selfish or bad. They’re just doing what they can with the skills and understanding you had when you were that age. A good start is to let them know you are grateful to them for trying to help and you know the did their best. This should help you to feel more calm and able to think more clearly.

Then you can tell your child self that because you are now a grown up, you have different, grown up ways to solve the issue. The child part of you doesn’t have to be responsible for trying to fix a problem they’re too young to handle any more. You’ve got this!

I can help you to learn better, more grown up strategies for managing your money. To find out more, book a free, no-strings call and let’s discuss what financial coaching can do for you!

"Everyone else can manage their money, why can't I?" - the big myth at the root of financial shame

At some point almost all of my clients say something like this. I hear it in almost every enquiry call. “It just seems like everyone else knows what to do and they’re all doing fine and I never have.”

It’s a huge irony that so many people feel alone when they get confused, anxious and stuck trying to decide what to do with their money. “I’m the only one, everyone else can do this just fine” is story that so many people tell themselves, but it is just a story. It’s not true. Even though it’s just a story, the effects are real. Believing you’re the only one who’s not capable of handling money causes huge amounts of unnecessary shame and anxiety, which blocks clear thinking, making you more stuck.

In May 2024, I was interviewed by financial planner, Chris Daems about a whole array of topics to do with making financial choices and how we deal with our feelings about money during big life changes. During this interview, Chris asked me about the phenomenon of people believing that “everyone else is better with money than me” or “everyone else is good with money, why I am so bad?”

Recently, I’ve found myself sharing this section of the interview over and again, so I thought I’d highlight it here, where you lovely people can find it. In the video I give the clear, simple, reasons why this story is just a big old myth. I also offer some other perspectives to replace the myth.

Video interview by Chris Daems with Martha Lawton about recognising that not everyone knows what they are doing with money and strategies for challenging this unhelpful limiting belief.

I hope you find this video useful. If you know someone else who needs to see it, please share it with them. If this discussion resonates with you and you want to work on changing these feelings and getting unstuck about your money, click the button to set up a free, no-strings chat about how financial coaching can help.

Women's money and the echoes of history

I realised I hadn’t done an International Women’s Day blog, so here’s a quick link to a relevant podcast episode from the archives.

Back in September 2019, I and my former podcast co-host, Alex, were guests on The Couragemakers Podcast. Couragemakers is a podcast for creative women, many of whom struggle with life at the nexus of the starving artist myth and all our cultural baggage about women and money.

We talked about how recently women were not allowed to hold financial products in their own names. How easily within living memory woman had to get their father or husband’s permission to open a bank account or (gasp!) get a credit card.

This still has an impact on how many women relate to money and how both women and men respond to women who have money and are clearly happy, confident and competent around money. There are some ugly stereotypes about women who are cheerfully good with money that really should have been left behind at the turn of the millenium. We’re gradually seeing a change but it’s worth remembering how recent this is because otherwise we lose the context for so many people’s views.

Personal finance is still annoyingly seen as a male domain and the preferred role for women is ‘damsel in distress’ asking a man for advice or indeed giving up her financial independence entirely, so he can ‘look after’ her. Sadly, as the saying goes, ‘help is the sunny side of control’.

We talked about the macho culture of financial services and how this plays out in creating complex systems with impenetrable language and then condescending to those who don’t understand those systems.

We also talked about how understanding and taking control of money brings you a firm foundation to build the life you want, especially for women. Having clear financial goals and being educated about money brings a confidence that goes beyond your conversations with the person in the bank or at the insurance company. Knowing what you have to spend money on means you know what’s left for pursuing your pleasures and life goals and that is very liberating.

I created a set of links for listeners of the show who wanted to learn more about money. It’s still up, but this is a better and more up to date list.

During the show I also wished that I had a good book recommendation for women who want to know more about personal finance, and nowadays I do. You can find books I like, including personal finance guides, here (I make a few pennies of affiliate income if you buy something).

We also referred to this episode of Squanderlust about using money in line with your values, this one on financial self-care , this one about the Change Cycle and this one about creativity, drama and money.