"Everyone else can manage their money, why can't I?" - the big myth at the root of financial shame
Too many people tell themselves that “everyone else is good with money, why aren’t I?” This is a harmful limiting belief causing shame and anxiety, and blocking the clear-thinking that’s necessary to make better financial choices.
This blog includes a short video clip challenging the myth that “everyone is good with money except me” and gives strategies for replacing this thought pattern with a healthier money mindset.
At some point almost all of my clients say something like this. I hear it in almost every enquiry call. “It just seems like everyone else knows what to do and they’re all doing fine and I never have.”
It’s a huge irony that so many people feel alone when they get confused, anxious and stuck trying to decide what to do with their money. “I’m the only one, everyone else can do this just fine” is story that so many people tell themselves, but it is just a story. It’s not true. Even though it’s just a story, the effects are real. Believing you’re the only one who’s not capable of handling money causes huge amounts of unnecessary shame and anxiety, which blocks clear thinking, making you more stuck.
In May 2024, I was interviewed by financial planner, Chris Daems about a whole array of topics to do with making financial choices and how we deal with our feelings about money during big life changes. During this interview, Chris asked me about the phenomenon of people believing that “everyone else is better with money than me” or “everyone else is good with money, why I am so bad?”
Recently, I’ve found myself sharing this section of the interview over and again, so I thought I’d highlight it here, where you lovely people can find it. In the video I give the clear, simple, reasons why this story is just a big old myth. I also offer some other perspectives to replace the myth.
Video interview by Chris Daems with Martha Lawton about recognising that not everyone knows what they are doing with money and strategies for challenging this unhelpful limiting belief.
I hope you find this video useful. If you know someone else who needs to see it, please share it with them. If this discussion resonates with you and you want to work on changing these feelings and getting unstuck about your money, click the button to set up a free, no-strings chat about how financial coaching can help.
Women's money and the echoes of history
I realised I hadn’t done an International Women’s Day blog, so here’s a quick link to a relevant podcast episode from the archives.
Back in September 2019, I and my former podcast co-host, Alex, were guests on The Couragemakers Podcast. Couragemakers is a podcast for creative women, many of whom struggle with life at the nexus of the starving artist myth and all our cultural baggage about women and money.
We talked about how recently women were not allowed to hold financial products in their own names. How easily within living memory woman had to get their father or husband’s permission to open a bank account or (gasp!) get a credit card.
This still has an impact on how many women relate to money and how both women and men respond to women who have money and are clearly happy, confident and competent around money. There are some ugly stereotypes about women who are cheerfully good with money that really should have been left behind at the turn of the millenium. We’re gradually seeing a change but it’s worth remembering how recent this is because otherwise we lose the context for so many people’s views.
Personal finance is still annoyingly seen as a male domain and the preferred role for women is ‘damsel in distress’ asking a man for advice or indeed giving up her financial independence entirely, so he can ‘look after’ her. Sadly, as the saying goes, ‘help is the sunny side of control’.
We talked about the macho culture of financial services and how this plays out in creating complex systems with impenetrable language and then condescending to those who don’t understand those systems.
We also talked about how understanding and taking control of money brings you a firm foundation to build the life you want, especially for women. Having clear financial goals and being educated about money brings a confidence that goes beyond your conversations with the person in the bank or at the insurance company. Knowing what you have to spend money on means you know what’s left for pursuing your pleasures and life goals and that is very liberating.
I created a set of links for listeners of the show who wanted to learn more about money. It’s still up, but this is a better and more up to date list.
During the show I also wished that I had a good book recommendation for women who want to know more about personal finance, and nowadays I do. You can find books I like, including personal finance guides, here (I make a few pennies of affiliate income if you buy something).
We also referred to this episode of Squanderlust about using money in line with your values, this one on financial self-care , this one about the Change Cycle and this one about creativity, drama and money.