How to get over family money problems in childhood causing issues as an adult
How our parents’ money issues affect us growing up
When we are children, sometimes we face experiences that we are not yet mature enough to handle. We don't have the power, skills or resources to resolve the issue and we may not have the perspective to understand that it's not our responsibility. This can be frightening, confusing, upsetting and frustrating. As children, we cope however we can with the issue and the feelings that come with it.
For example, we might:
distract ourselves and others with jokes and games
hide and wait for it to be over
become aggressive and try to force others to do what we want
be extra nice and accommodating, so authorities will approve of us and protect us
or become fixated on trying to anticipate every possible problem and control what we can control perfectly, so there are no nasty surprises
These are all understandable strategies for a child to take when faced with an adult-sized problem.
Unfortunately, once we have learned a coping strategy, it can become our automatic response for similar situations, even in adulthood. In essence, when we are faced with an issue that reminds us of being young, overwhelmed and helpless, it's like we become that child again without even realising it! We respond like we did when we were little, before our adult minds ever get a chance to come up with a better solution.
Because these childlike responses rarely work out well for us as adults, we can end up feeling even more powerless and upset and even less capable of dealing with that aspect of life. The most challenging part is that it all happens so quickly, we don't even recognise that this is what's happening!
When the issue in question involves money, this can cause a lot of trouble. We need a calm, adult mindset when dealing with questions of money, not an overwhelmed childlike one.
Examples
If you heard your parents fighting because one of them went out with friends when the other one thought they couldn’t afford it, you might try not to spend anything on yourself at all, so no one can criticise you for it. You could end up thrifty, but joyless.
Or if your dad lost his savings to a scammer, you might just spend everything you get, because deep down you don’t trust that saving could pay off. Of course, this leaves you unprepared for emergencies and at risk of problem debt.
Or if your aunts and uncles were richer than your mum and rubbed her nose in it, you might become driven by money and the status it can buy. You could become wealthy but end up burned out and doing work you hate.
Thankfully there is a way forward.
The solution
If you can imagine yourself as you were when you learned this lesson about money, you can connect to the childlike part of yourself that keeps rushing to the rescue with a strategy that no longer works. Once you can do that, you can gently persuade them to let your adult self take over and try another way.
This takes compassion and an understanding that your younger self isn’t trying to mess things up. Your younger self isn’t stupid or selfish or bad. They’re just doing what they can with the skills and understanding you had when you were that age. A good start is to let them know you are grateful to them for trying to help and you know the did their best. This should help you to feel more calm and able to think more clearly.
Then you can tell your child self that because you are now a grown up, you have different, grown up ways to solve the issue. The child part of you doesn’t have to be responsible for trying to fix a problem they’re too young to handle any more. You’ve got this!
I can help you to learn better, more grown up strategies for managing your money. To find out more, book a free, no-strings call and let’s discuss what financial coaching can do for you!