Weddings, relationships and marriages - know the difference

I was at a meetup a couple of weeks ago with friends from a Facebook Group. I got chatting to one of the members who is planning on getting married this summer. We talked about a conversation that had taken place in the group between myself and a third member about the less romantic reasons to get married (or not): property rights and taxes.

You see people tend to mentally blend together weddings, marital relationships and the formal legal side of marriages. The truth is these are different and separate things and any given couple can have one, two or three of them in any combination.

I’m leaving out the religious aspect of weddings/marriages/relationships on purpose here. As a non-believer I am not qualified to discuss it and I don’t want to cause offence by misrepresenting people’s beliefs.

OK, that said, let’s talk about the three elements.

Weddings

A wedding is a ceremony and usually a party. It usually includes the necessary paperwork and promises to create a legally binding marriage as well, but it doesn’t have to do so. A wedding is usually a joyous celebration of love, with family and friends and, ideally, music, embarrassing speeches and far too much food.

Relationships

A relationship is about how two people get along. This includes many formal and informal ways in which you might make financial decisions together, but it isn’t fundamentally about money and property, it’s about how you are together. How do you communicate? How do you feel about each other? What do you do for each other? What part do you play in each others’ lives?

Marriages

Then there’s the legal marriage, the most neglected part of the equation. This is the part people often only start paying attention to if things go wrong and they start talking about divorce. I would strongly advise learning about this before you get married instead.

There’s a lot of dismissive talk about marriage being “just a piece of paper”. The deeds to a house are just a piece of paper too. So is an employment contract. So for that matter is a peace treaty or the constitution of a country. N.B. Common Law Marriage is not a real thing in the UK. It doesn’t matter how long you live with your partner, you aren’t married unless there’s a marriage certificate. Don’t be fooled.

Marriage has important but often hidden implications for your finances. I’m going to talk about just three examples from the UK (there are many). The effects are at least as profound elsewhere.

The Marriage Allowance

The Marriage Allowance means a non-working (or low income) spouse can transfer a proportion of their tax allowance to their higher income husband/wife.

Inheritance Tax

If you own substantial assets you want to leave to your partner, getting married protects them from potentially having to pay Inheritance Tax on those assets. Home owners take note.

Wills

Getting married instantly invalidates any will either of you had before you were married and if you don’t make a new one, the rules of intestacy apply and your spouse automatically gets the lions share (potentially everything) that you leave behind.

How unromantic!

I understand that some people will think this is a cold and impersonal take on marriage. It can be uncomfortable to take a peek beyond the white lace and petals into the cost-benefit calculations underneath. I am certainly not advocating taking a mercenary approach to intimate partnerships. (My own wedding was a joyous day and I am extremely smug and soppy about my wonderful husband.) I do however, advocate understanding what you’re getting into when you sign the register and say “I do.” We did, and you should too.

Women's money and the echoes of history

I realised I hadn’t done an International Women’s Day blog, so here’s a quick link to a relevant podcast episode from the archives.

Back in September 2019, I and my former podcast co-host, Alex, were guests on The Couragemakers Podcast. Couragemakers is a podcast for creative women, many of whom struggle with life at the nexus of the starving artist myth and all our cultural baggage about women and money.

We talked about how recently women were not allowed to hold financial products in their own names. How easily within living memory woman had to get their father or husband’s permission to open a bank account or (gasp!) get a credit card.

This still has an impact on how many women relate to money and how both women and men respond to women who have money and are clearly happy, confident and competent around money. There are some ugly stereotypes about women who are cheerfully good with money that really should have been left behind at the turn of the millenium. We’re gradually seeing a change but it’s worth remembering how recent this is because otherwise we lose the context for so many people’s views.

Personal finance is still annoyingly seen as a male domain and the preferred role for women is ‘damsel in distress’ asking a man for advice or indeed giving up her financial independence entirely, so he can ‘look after’ her. Sadly, as the saying goes, ‘help is the sunny side of control’.

We talked about the macho culture of financial services and how this plays out in creating complex systems with impenetrable language and then condescending to those who don’t understand those systems.

We also talked about how understanding and taking control of money brings you a firm foundation to build the life you want, especially for women. Having clear financial goals and being educated about money brings a confidence that goes beyond your conversations with the person in the bank or at the insurance company. Knowing what you have to spend money on means you know what’s left for pursuing your pleasures and life goals and that is very liberating.

I created a set of links for listeners of the show who wanted to learn more about money. It’s still up, but this is a better and more up to date list.

During the show I also wished that I had a good book recommendation for women who want to know more about personal finance, and nowadays I do. You can find books I like, including personal finance guides, here (I make a few pennies of affiliate income if you buy something).

We also referred to this episode of Squanderlust about using money in line with your values, this one on financial self-care , this one about the Change Cycle and this one about creativity, drama and money.