Self-love, self-care, self-abandonment (and money)
People in failing relationships often become uncaring or neglectful. "If you can't be bothered," they say to themselves "Nor can I!" One of the biggest revelation for me in therapy was my failing relationship with myself. I was treating myself like I wanted to break up!
I took my good points for granted instead of celebrating them. I didn't think creatively about what could bring me joy. I was neglectful of my every day needs: my home was a mess; I didn't take good care of my health - my sleep hygiene was poor, I drank too much and I barely exercised.
As my therapist put it I had "abandoned myself". It did not feel good. And, of course, the worst bit of treating yourself like you want to break up is that you can't do so and live. You only become more and more miserable and trapped with time.
Thankfully there was an answer. A previously uncaring and neglectful partner who becomes considerate and fun can re-ignite the spark and make you fall in love again.
Similarly a person who has abandoned themselves who begins to show themselves care and love falls back in love with themselves.
In essence, even though each of us is only one person, we act as if there is an element of reciprocity in how we treat ourselves.
If we aren't loving and caring to ourselves we sulk and refuse ourselves future love and care. We act as if there is someone else in the equation who should do better, but it's just us!
Because we are angry and disgusted with ourselves for not looking after our wellbeing, we refuse to do the things that would improve our wellbeing as a kind of self-punishment.
The fix is to see the cycle for what it is and realise no one else can break it. we have to start showing ourselves the love and care we crave.
We have to treat ourselves as worthy of love and care in order to believe it, it doesn't work the other way around because the physical evidence is against us.
This is true both in the sensible ways (washing the dishes, getting fresh air, and going to bed instead of doomscrolling) and in the fun ways (taking a day trip, dancing like no one is watching, buying a small indulgence - like fresh flowers or fancy socks).
We have to make a commitment to ourselves. After all we're in this relationship for life. If we can't be happy in it, we can't be happy.
I have said before that we use money to treat ourselves the way we believe we deserve to be treated.
That means that if we don't believe we deserve comfort and peace of mind, we will mis-manage our money so there's never enough and we are constantly stressed.
The internal dialogue that says "If you can't be bothered, nor can I!" can get very strong around money, even for people who take excellent care of themselves in other ways.
That's why I'm inviting you to make 2023 the year you make a real commitment to yourself.
This is the year to show yourself some genuine consideration and prove to yourself that you are deserving of your own love.
The changes I've made since therapy weren't easy. I've had times of backsliding. The voice of self-resentment is loud at the beginning. One day of not wiping the cooker down properly or taking the lift instead of the stairs and it was easy to feel both that I had failed and that I was unworthy of a clean home and a healthy body. And if I wasn't worthy of it, why make the effort?
Because of this I know that structures and support to get started and stay motivated are vital, especially in the early stages. My therapist would ask about my self-care every week.
So, to help you not only get started but stay committed to yourself and to using money to treat yourself like you are worthy of love and care, I have developed a new programme that starts at the end of this month (January 2023). I'm very excited to share it with you.
My Year of Action is a small group coaching programme that I have been planning and testing for literally years. Now it's ready to launch starting this January 31st. I'm very excited!
(For those of you who have completed My Money Canvas, the programme maps onto the areas on the Canvas, so you can prioritise the areas you identified as needing the most attention. For those who haven’t sign up to my newsletter to get the free download, there’s a form on my home page.)
Because it's the first time I'm running My Year of Action, I'm offering it at a heavily discounted rate, so it's works out at just £39 a month!
Given that one of my testers cut her costs by £600 a year in the first month, I reckon this is a great deal. You can show yourself a lot of love with £600.
To find out more and book your place, just click the button.
I can't wait to see you there!
How to be more optimistic about money
It’s Mental Health Awareness Month and one feature of poor mental health is a skewed sense of optimism, so this post is about that.
Optimism is a funny thing.
Too much and you don’t prepare for the worst. I’ve been vocal about how often people don’t buy insurance or save for emergencies because they assume bad things happen to other people.
On the other hand, if you’re too pessimistic, you won’t take the action you need to improve your situation, because, well… what’s the point?
So we want to build a Goldilocks mindset around money and get amount of optimism just right.
Thankfully, there’s some great evidence about what can help us to think more positively without losing sight of reality. Positive Psychology is the study of happy, mentally healthy people with the aim of learning how everyone else can be more like them.
The founder of positive psychology, Martin Seligman, identified three key attitudes towards life’s challenges that lead to either a more optimistic or a more pessimistic viewpoint, with the optimistic view generally leading to better outcomes overall. These are called the “three Ps” of pessimism.
People who are pessimistic tend to see setbacks through the lens of Personalisation, Permanence and Pervasiveness. What do these mean and how do they play out in terms of our finances?
Personalisation
“It’s all my fault!”
Personalisation means assuming that bad events happen to you because of something about yourself. It means assuming all the blame, whether that’s realistic or not.
Financial examples:
At the less harmful end of the scale, this might look like a homeowner who engages a builder and finds the final bill is higher than expected. The builder may have been unclear about their costings or have inflated a price somewhere, but if the homeowner tends to personalise they will feel angry at themselves for not having checked the costs more thoroughly sooner.
At its most harmful, this could look like a person who feels cursed with bad luck on some level so that they blame themselves when things happen that are completely outside of their control. For example, their chosen retirement date may happen to coincide with a small fall in the stock market (leaving them with a smaller pension pot than they had expected) and they feel in some secret part of their heart that the stock market fall happened because they were due to retire that day.
The optimistic view
A person with an optimistic viewpoint understands that the must take responsibility for their actions, but only in proportion to their potential effects. They do not automatically assume that they are at fault if things go wrong and they certainly don’t blame themselves when the outcome is largely or entirely due to chance.
Advice
If you tend to assume that setbacks are always your fault, try to challenge this by thinking about who else influenced events and what role chance played in the outcome.
Permanence
“It’s never going to get any better.”
Permanence assumes that any change for the worse is going to last forever. It says that once something goes wrong, this is just how things are now.
Financial examples:
A person asks for a pay rise and is refused. They assume that their employer will never agree to pay them more or promote them in future. They become discouraged and underperform or look for a new job.
Another example, a person accidentally misses a bill payment and it shows up on their credit record causing their credit score to fall. They assume that this means they could never get a good deal on a personal loan, let alone a mortgage.
The optimistic view
Things change all the time and there are often solutions to issues, even if you don’t know what they are when the problem first arises. Just because things are difficult now doesn’t mean they can’t improve.
Advice
Think of a time when you faced difficulties in the past that no longer affect you. Things may have seemed bad then but now you' barely remember it happened. Whether through resourcefulness, hard work, luck, or just letting time pass so that an issue became less relevant, you have overcome and moved on. Times always change, and nothing is permanent, including your troubles.
Pervasiveness
“One thing went wrong - everything is terrible!”
In this mindset, a small difficulty or embarrassment is a sign of a much larger problem. Specific issues that could be fixed with specific actions are generalised into fundamental flaws or failings to big and all-consuming to solve.
Financial examples:
A person whose card is declined declares themselves “hopeless with money”, even though with a bit of practice at planning and avoiding overspending they could avoid this happening in future.
A person makes a failed insurance claim and says “all insurance is a scam”, even though the problem is just with this single claim and they have many steps they could take next including: checking their policy terms to make sure they claimed under the correct part of the cover; submitting more evidence to the insurer; or making a complaint.
The optimistic view
The optimistic person gives life a second chance and waits for a clear pattern to emerge before generalising. The take each issue as it comes and try to find solutions to each one.
Advice
Listen to how you speak and identify when you’re using words like “everything”, “nothing”, “always” and “never”. These are often a sign of Pervasiveness in your thinking. Other signs are using generalising/labelling phrases like “I’m so…” or “Banks are…”.
When you catch yourself using this language try to replace it with the specifics of this incident. That will give you a more realistic viewpoint and potentially help you identify solutions to the issue at hand.
Learning to drop the three Ps will help you keep negatives in perspective so you will feel more in control of your money.
Did you find this useful? Comment below if there’s a mental habit you’re going to change.
To learn more about money mindsets listen to my podcast Squanderlust.
Has working from home fed your online shopping addiction?
We all know online shopping sites have been the winners of lockdown. Even as we begin to open up again, things are still in limbo and, I don’t know about you, but I have that final furlong feeling. Having the end in sight makes the remaining restrictions feel more onerous.
If you’re working from home where there’s no watercooler gossip, it’s tempting to spend break times browsing eBay, Amazon or your other favourite stores.
Feeling bored, stressed and lonely can lead to “comfort spending”. Treating yourself to a little something in the post can, weirdly, feel like someone cares, even if that someone is you.
If you’re relating to this, here’s my top tip for avoiding online shopping on your breaks: schedule something else to do.
I know it sounds obvious, but it’s actually really powerful. Working from home can be much less structured than working at your employer’s premises and a lot of people have complained about a disorientating sense of “pandemic time” passing differently from time in their previous life.
What can you schedule?
A catch up call with someone you actually like
A walk around the block
A YouTube dance party
A short meditation
A short creative or craft activity
Water your houseplants
Play or snuggle with a pet
Read a something fun that’s not thing to do with work - novel or magazine (not online, ideally hardcopy but e-reader will do)
Solve a puzzle
Warning: you might need to set a timer to make sure you don’t overrun (because pandemic time).
The important thing is that whatever you do you’re not on the internet and the activity is relaxing and will refresh you. Note I haven’t included chores in the list, although I suppose if you find housework relaxing you could do fold laundry or pre-prep dinner from time to time. You want to make sure in general though your planned activities are fun rather than practical.
Actively choosing when you’ll take a break and scheduling an activity you’ll look forward to will bring structure to your day and improve your overall well-being as well as reducing the risk of impulse shopping.
And if you really miss getting nice post, you can always send postcards to a few friends and see who sends one back. It’s better than sending things to yourself.
A few weeks ago I was on Podcast from the Past (the postcard podcast) you can listen here.