Self-love, self-care, self-abandonment (and money)

People in failing relationships often become uncaring or neglectful. "If you can't be bothered," they say to themselves "Nor can I!" One of the biggest revelation for me in therapy was my failing relationship with myself. I was treating myself like I wanted to break up!

I took my good points for granted instead of celebrating them. I didn't think creatively about what could bring me joy. I was neglectful of my every day needs: my home was a mess; I didn't take good care of my health - my sleep hygiene was poor, I drank too much and I barely exercised.

As my therapist put it I had "abandoned myself". It did not feel good. And, of course, the worst bit of treating yourself like you want to break up is that you can't do so and live. You only become more and more miserable and trapped with time.

Thankfully there was an answer. A previously uncaring and neglectful partner who becomes considerate and fun can re-ignite the spark and make you fall in love again.

Similarly a person who has abandoned themselves who begins to show themselves care and love falls back in love with themselves.

In essence, even though each of us is only one person, we act as if there is an element of reciprocity in how we treat ourselves.

If we aren't loving and caring to ourselves we sulk and refuse ourselves future love and care. We act as if there is someone else in the equation who should do better, but it's just us!

Because we are angry and disgusted with ourselves for not looking after our wellbeing, we refuse to do the things that would improve our wellbeing as a kind of self-punishment.

The fix is to see the cycle for what it is and realise no one else can break it. we have to start showing ourselves the love and care we crave.

We have to treat ourselves as worthy of love and care in order to believe it, it doesn't work the other way around because the physical evidence is against us.

This is true both in the sensible ways (washing the dishes, getting fresh air, and going to bed instead of doomscrolling) and in the fun ways (taking a day trip, dancing like no one is watching, buying a small indulgence - like fresh flowers or fancy socks).

We have to make a commitment to ourselves. After all we're in this relationship for life. If we can't be happy in it, we can't be happy.

I have said before that we use money to treat ourselves the way we believe we deserve to be treated. 

That means that if we don't believe we deserve comfort and peace of mind, we will mis-manage our money so there's never enough and we are constantly stressed. 

The internal dialogue that says "If you can't be bothered, nor can I!" can get very strong around money, even for people who take excellent care of themselves in other ways.

That's why I'm inviting you to make 2023 the year you make a real commitment to yourself.

This is the year to show yourself some genuine consideration and prove to yourself that you are deserving of your own love.

The changes I've made since therapy weren't easy. I've had times of backsliding. The voice of self-resentment is loud at the beginning. One day of not wiping the cooker down properly or taking the lift instead of the stairs and it was easy to feel both that I had failed and that I was unworthy of a clean home and a healthy body. And if I wasn't worthy of it, why make the effort?

Because of this I know that structures and support to get started and stay motivated are vital, especially in the early stages. My therapist would ask about my self-care every week.

So, to help you not only get started but stay committed to yourself and to using money to treat yourself like you are worthy of love and care, I have developed a new programme that starts at the end of this month (January 2023). I'm very excited to share it with you.

My Year of Action is a small group coaching programme that I have been planning and testing for literally years. Now it's ready to launch starting this January 31st. I'm very excited!

(For those of you who have completed My Money Canvas, the programme maps onto the areas on the Canvas, so you can prioritise the areas you identified as needing the most attention. For those who haven’t sign up to my newsletter to get the free download, there’s a form on my home page.)

Because it's  the first time I'm running My Year of Action, I'm offering it at a heavily discounted rate, so it's works out at just £39 a month!

Given that one of my testers cut her costs by £600 a year in the first month, I reckon this is a great deal. You can show yourself a lot of love with £600.

To find out more and book your place, just click the button.

I can't wait to see you there!

Need the willpower to stop overspending? Cut out scratchy clothes labels

Have you ever got up in the morning with the best frugal intentions, then by night time you find yourself looking at an order confirmation email wondering how you ended up browsing for window boxes or signature scents in the first place?

You have just been caught out by ego depletion and you are not alone. Ego depletion is the term for the way your willpower gets drained through the day by the effort it takes to meet the challenges we face. Every time we face a challenge or temptation we have to decide whether to take the option with the best long term outcome or the one with immediate rewards and these are often not the same option. research ahs indicated that willpower is like a muscle and as you use it through the day, it gets tired.

Basically, you can only be patient, tolerant and self-denying for so long before you run out of willpower and do something that feels good in the moment and damn the consequences. That might be snapping at a co-worker, eating a grab bag of Hula Hoops or treating yourself to some fancy new underpants from that store that always emails you.

Let’s face it life sucks sometimes and growing more willpower just because we want to isn’t really an option, so how can we make the best use of the willpower we have?

Get rid of minor irritants

Wherever possible:

• Cut out scratchy labels and donate or sell stiff, itchy or tight clothing and shoes that pinch;

• Learn about your devices’ settings so you can customise them for your personal preferences;

• If there are tools or pieces of equipment you use often, make sure it’s the best quality you can afford, so you’re not frustrated by bad design or shoddy construction;

• Ask colleagues, family members, friends and neighbours to change habits they may have that annoy you, it’s possible to have these conversations tactfully and still ask clearly for what you want;

• Consider noise-cancelling headphones for times when you need to focus;

• Keep your environment at a comfortable temperature, clean, pleasant smelling and uncluttered.

Generally pay attention to low-level irritants that drain your willpower without you even really noticing. The more of these you’re putting up with, the less willpower you have for making positive choices when faced with temptations.

Look after your health

Physical and mental discomfort from poor health is something that drains willpower

• Do what you can to get enough sleep;

• Eat well so you’re not hungry, sugar-crashing or suffering from indigestion.;

• Move your body and stretch often, so you don’t end up stiff and cramped;

• Ensure your work environment is as well-designed and ergonomic as possible, so you’re not straining to complete tasks;

• Don’t overdo the screen time and stay away from social media drama;

• Find ways to relax, ideally somewhere quiet in nature, and take a few deep breaths.

Treat yourself (in moderation)

Pre-emptively doing small, nice things for yourself will help you to replenish your willpower and avoid the need to vent, binge or splurge. This is why no spending plan should completely exclude treats. You know what treats look like for you, make sure you have a supply to keep you going, so you don’t feel deprived.

Celebrate your wins (including times when you successfully exercise willpower). Giving yourself a pat on the back is an immediate reward and takes the edge off the pain of delaying gratification.

Finally, forgive yourself. If you are fighting the willpower war on too many fronts and lose a particular battle, don’t get too down. Instead think whether you’d be better served easing up on one or two areas and focusing your efforts elsewhere. Nobody’s perfect and a constant feeling of failure is a drag on willpower too. If your focus is your finances, just keep everything else ticking over for now. Once you’ have your money in better shape, you can choose a new goal elsewhere.

If you want to hear more about ego depletion and the science behind it, listen to this episode of my podcast Squanderlust: Episode 3. Willpower Outage.