All the renovations on our new house cost money and that means my lovely fella and I have been navigating the world of combined finances at a new level lately. It’s stressful.
How do we split big payments? What's a fair balance? How do we keep track of who's paid for what? How do we discuss and agree changes of plan that come with extra costs?
I spent a long time single and I'm not used to sharing my finances with another person. I feel weird discussing how we should split costs and my instinct is not to be open about my situation, even though I trust my husband completely and I know it would help us make better plans.
But here's the thing. I'm gritting my teeth and doing it, because honesty is the only way we can get through this without arguments, resentment and at least one of us ending up broke.
In the latest series of Squanderlust, we've done two episodes on money and relationships, both about the destructive power of money secrets on intimacy.
In last week's podcast I spoke to author Aliya Ali-Afzal. We talked about how keeping "bad secrets" about money is a type of infidelity (as well as her new book, "Would I Lie to You?").
Previously I spoke to psychologist Dr Jane Major about how money secrets become a barrier to intimacy in other areas of a relationship.
The last thing I need when I'm under pressure in life and work is to drift apart from J because I feel awkward being honest about my finances. Nope! Not worth it.
So, here are my tips for having conversations about money that don't turn into rows:
Pick your time, do it when you're both feeling fresh and relaxed, not last thing at night or when you're just home from work.
Schedule in advance, so can both prepare for the conversation and neither of you is caught on the hop, which can feel like being ambushed and make people defensive.
Know your numbers. Vagueness is worrying and causes misunderstandings, be as precise as you can.
Listen before responding.
Check you've understood anything that could be taken more than one way.
Confirm decisions and actions together.
Approach the conversation from a place of curiosity and kindness, we all have our money baggage, when yours and theirs don't match up it can be hard on you both.
Try to see any disagreements as a problem you're working together to solve, not a fight you need to win.